Anniversary
by verden
Summary: December 2011. The day before the tram crash anniversary, Peter finds the memories tough to deal with and visits Carla. A prequel to Avoidance
1. Chapter 1

**Anniversary**

_I'm excited about Carla/Peter so thought I'd try my first fanfic. I'd love to see more of Peter's emotions about the tramcrash & his and Carla's feelings on what happened & what could have. So that's what I've written: constructive feedback welcome!_

**Part 1**

Peter leaned back against the wall of the bookies, taking a long drag on his cigarette. The day had felt never-ending, and Leanne had picked up on his volatile mood. She kept glancing over, appearing about to speak but then holding back. It didn't seem worth explaining himself: it never did these days.

But today was very significant. December 5th. Tomorrow would be a year since that night, the night he almost died. Now, alone for a moment, he let his mind drift back again. His memories were patchy, but some things incredibly vivid: the sudden explosion that threw him to the ground, lying in the rubble, the acrid smell of smoke, Ashley and Nick helping him to safety, the intense pain in his legs and chest. But most of all, his fierce determination to marry his - seemingly doting - fiancée that night, even as his body began to fail. The irony of his misplaced loyalty sickened him.

His wedding day had so nearly been his last moments of life. Reliving the emotions, his whole body tensed up, his fists clenching. He shivered involuntarily, and took another angry drag of his cigarette. This rage wasn't healthy, and if anything it was getting worse as the anniversary approached.

When he opened his eyes again, there she was. Carla. Not far away, and walking towards him. She'd been back from LA a while, and although they'd chatted sometimes, he'd yet to find a chance to see her alone. If he was honest, he feared what would happen if he did. But this felt harmless enough. He checked no-one could see him, then let himself admire her as he finished his cigarette and flicked it to the ground.

"Hi there" he called over as she came nearer.

"All right?" she shouted back. She looked stunning this afternoon, he had to admit. Almost back to her old self, although he could still see the underlying vulnerability. But hadn't that always been there: he'd just learnt to see past her tough facade.

"Not bad – off somewhere special tonight?"

"Life of glamour, me", she replied sarcastically. "Night on the sofa with a box of chocolates."

He smiled, wishing they could talk properly. But he'd already been outside nearly 10 minutes, and dreaded Leanne coming out, and more accusations.

"Enjoy then, eh. See you at the memorial tomorrow?" He tried to keep his voice casual.

"Oh yeah." She became serious. "Big day for you isn't it. I'll be there." She got into her car. He found it strange seeing her drive again, but at least her drinking seemed under control now.

Stepping back into the bookies, he found Leanne putting her coat on.

"Closing up already, love?" he said. "It's only twenty past"

"Did you forget, I'm out with Stella tonight." she replied, a slight edge to her voice.  
>He sighed, realising he'd not registered anything she'd said that afternoon. Another apology to make.<p>

"Sorry Lee. Have fun. Shall I collect Simon from chess club then?"

"No, it's OK. I'll pick him up – it's on my way back. The mood you've been in today, you'd forget anyway. See you at half eight"

He kissed her goodbye as she hurried out the door.

Peter worked a bit longer, then closed up the bookies. Guiltily, he felt exhilarated at the thought of three hours to himself. But as soon as he was in the flat, his mind started racing again back to the tram crash. Carla had been devastated that night too. He remembered her standing over the hospital bed, her grief, her tears. Although she'd seemed fine just now, she might still be finding her memories hard. Maybe she'd be reliving everything too, alone this evening.

Before he could talk himself out of it, he grabbed his jacket and left. He had over two hours until Leanne would come home, and he knew where he needed to be.

**Part 2**

Although Carla was obviously surprised when he arrived at her flat, she couldn't hide her pleasure to see him.

"Jealous of my chocolate truffles then?" she teased.

"My latest addiction…" he replied. She smiled grimly. Addiction: the one thing he couldn't deny that they shared.

"I was home alone. Thought I'd see how you are." He felt an impulse to hug her, but she didn't seem to need comforting any more. He was glad she was coping now, but why did he feel like he'd lost something?

She led him to the sofa and sat down, quite far from him, he noticed.

"Much better thanks. Still some bad days – well, awful – but getting further apart. And today's been one of the OK ones." She paused for a moment. "So I'm done with self-pity, for now. But I wanted to thank you for your support back then."

He tried to shrug it off, but she stopped him.

"You were a star. As always. But you're officially off the hook now. Reckon I might be sane after all – well, if I ever were." She caught his eye and he smiled.

"And you Peter? Summat getting to you? All this memorial stuff?"

Her directness took him by surprise.

"I'm OK, don't worry about me" he said. She looked intently at him, and he suddenly felt the urge to be honest, just for once that day.

"Well, no. I'm struggling a bit" he confessed. "Turns out once I started thinking about last year, you know, the explosion and everything, it won't stop. It's been running round my head for hours."

"Oh Peter." Her eyes filled with sympathy. Of all people, he knew she understood, having relived her many traumas over and over again.

He finally started opening up.

"I was so scared, Carla. I thought it was all over for me. When I could barely get a word out, when I thought I was on my final breaths, all I wanted... ." He could feel the emotion coming out in his voice, but refused to stop.

"All I wanted was to marry the woman I trusted most in the world. Watched on by dad and Deirdre. You and Nick nearby." She nodded, stricken.

Peter's anger had returned. "And you all knew!" he said, his voice harsh. "You all knew the marriage was based on a lie."

She couldn't look at him now. Maybe he had gone too far. His emotions were too raw to have this conversation, especially with her. "I almost wasted my last breath on a lie!" he cried, realising how much he'd suppressed the hurt he felt, even after trying to forgive Leanne.

As he paused, his anger subsided and he felt tears welling up. He buried his head in his hands, ashamed, starting to weep silently. He sensed Carla was hesitating, but in a few moments, he felt her shift to sit beside him on the sofa. Her arms moved around him, cradling him like a child. He leaned his head against her shoulder. She said nothing, but just held him close as he finally let out his anguish.

**Part 3**

After a couple of minutes, Peter felt much calmer. Still in her arms, he raised his head, noticing tears on her cheek. So she had also cried. She felt so supportive and comforting, and he realised he was in danger of never wanting to leave. Reluctantly he pulled away, feeling the chill of the winter air again on his skin, missing her warmth.

"I'm sorry, Carla. Last thing either of us needed was me like that!"

"Hey, don't even think that. After all the times you've helped me. I'm always here for you as a shoulder to cry on." She smiled. "Not even just literally."

He suddenly felt guilty: yet another secret he'd have to keep from his wife. Making his excuses, he went to the bathroom to wash his face and get back in control.

When he returned, he was surprised to see it was still only 7.30, so he accepted her offer of a drink hoping it would clear the air. They sat again at either end of the sofa, but the tension of his recent emotion still lingered.

After a few minutes of small-talk, he felt the need to ask the question he'd never asked.

"Carla. Can I ask you something... but you don't have to answer?" She looked uneasy, but nodded.

"If you wanted me so much back then, why didn't you tell me the truth?"

….


	2. Chapter 2

Peter's question had clearly taken Carla by surprise, but she seemed determined not to show it, getting up and striding over to the kitchen. She topped up her glass. Just orange juice, but he'd seen the quick glance for something stronger. When she sat down again, her manner was that of the tough businesswoman.

"What does it matter why I didn't tell you?" she said coldly. "You'd made your decision. When you found out the truth, you stuck with your decision."

Her voice became harsher. "And you've told me whatever I want, you'll never change your decision."

"I'm sorry" he said, regretting his question. "I wish things could've been different."

"So you've said before", she replied bitterly. "And aren't we both bursting with happiness right now."

"But maybe we need to understand the past, so we can deal with it."

His deep brown eyes looked pleadingly at Carla. Behind her anger, he could see her intense emotion: the regret, the fear, perhaps even still love for him, despite everything. Her feelings for him had caused her so much needless suffering. But this was why it suddenly seemed important to talk tonight, when the past seemed all too real for them both. Maybe they should have talked properly a long time ago.

"I didn't tell you 'cos I'm a coward" Carla eventually answered, almost too softly for him to hear. "I was scared you'd not believe me, you'd think it was another play for you, hate me even more." She couldn't meet his eyes. "And if you did believe me, I couldn't bear to hurt you."

She paused, realising she'd never taken responsibility for her part in covering up Leanne's affair.

"I was weak. I hoped you'd find out some other way. But I'm so sorry Peter. I know I should have told you."

Peter took a deep breath, recognising her sincerity and the truth in her words. Would he have believed her really? He'd almost idolised Leanne back then. As his anger returned, his mind turned to a more dangerous path.

"If I'd found out the week before the wedding, I'd never have gone through with it Carla. I couldn't have stayed with Leanne after that." Carla was looking down, but her rapidly tapping fingers revealed her inner turmoil.

"I'd have been nowhere near the Joinery either, when that explosion went off" he continued.

"Don't do this, Peter, I'd never have forgiven myself if…."

"Hey love, sorry" he interrupted quickly, reaching his hand out as if to soothe her. "I didn't mean that. I'm just thinking what would have happened. Imagine, with my stag do cancelled, Ashley might still be here, with Clare and the boys. You see, just one different decision, we could rewrite history."

"A dangerous game." Carla warned, teasingly.

"I'd have been a newly single man" Warming to this line of thought, Peter turned to sarcasm. "And known as I am for my calm and sober nature..."

"Always Peter", she played along.

"...so I'd obviously not have made any spontaneous decisions."

She nodded, mock-seriously.

"But chances are, about this time last year, I might have found myself heading over here…" Their eyes locked together.

"A not so unexpected visitor."

"…hoping you might try and seduce me again." His voice was low now.

"Well, ordinarily, I'd play hard to get…." she smiled, still looking into his eyes. "But I reckon that ship had long since sailed."

"That's fair to say" he agreed, smirking.

"Eh, watch it" her eyes flashed.

He realised he'd crossed a line now, selfishly and recklessly, but couldn't stop himself.

"Maybe you'd have kissed me? Like in July..", he suggested, allowing himself to remember that passionate kiss. Their secret. Her gaze wavered, and he could see her mind was there too.

"Just like that" she finally said. "But without the guilt. Both free agents."

"If you'd kissed me then, I could never have stopped" he admitted, suppressing a momentary pang from the word 'guilt'. They both paused, lost in memory yet painfully aware of each other. Involuntarily his eyes glanced over to her bedroom door, half-open, just a glimpse of the room he'd never seen. Could never see. This was getting out of hand: he longed for something he couldn't let happen. Thankfully the space between them on the sofa kept them apart. For the moment.

"And then….?" he couldn't resist asking.

She laughed for the first time, throwing her head back, her glossy hair falling across her shoulder.

"A girl's got to have some secrets hasn't she?"

He couldn't help but smile. However wrong it was, he knew his imagination would fill in the rest of the fantasy later. He suspected hers would too.

"I can promise you one thing though" she teased. "There'd have been a second date.

He didn't doubt it.

"And a third and a fourth?"

"Can't see why not" she replied, her eyes glinting. "We'd be great together you know."

**Part 4**

Carla's words hung in the air, both realising they weren't talking about the past any more. He couldn't speak, but his silence said it all. He reluctantly broke their gaze. They both turned away, slightly breathless.

He hadn't felt this alive in months. But then the guilt hit him again, much harder, a thud in the chest. He felt sick. While a relationship last year might have been possible, even probable, how could he lead her on now? He'd told her so many times that he'd never leave Leanne. And with Carla so vulnerable at the moment, he had just reignited her desires, created fresh hopes.

Lust. He'd be safe if that was all it was. But he'd grown to care about this woman more than he ever believed possible. In trying to protect her from drink, sadness, grief, the attack, he'd only ever set out to be a good friend. A support to someone who needed help, but couldn't admit it. But when did his need to save her, to make her happy, take over everything else in his life? He even wanted to protect her against Leanne. His feelings for Carla were so tangled, every time he tried to tease out a single thread, the knot just tightened.

He needed space to think, and he suddenly saw it was past eight o'clock. Time was running out. With Leanne about to return home with his oblivious son, he knew he had to leave. He finally ended the long silence.

"I'm sorry. Back to reality I'm afraid. I need to get home now – but can I see you soon?"

"Always" she answered. He had worried she might be upset, but she seemed more composed than he was. "And I meant it, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on."

"Thank you. Not that I'm much use to anyone at the moment, but you know I'm here for you too."

They stood at the door, and there was another awkward pause. Then he leaned in to hug her, closing his eyes, savouring her warm embrace again. With her hands slowly stroking his back, for a moment he was back in their fantasy of a year ago. Feeling her cheek pressed against his, he found himself whispering to her: "happy anniversary."

She tightened her arms, pulling him closer. Even more softly, she replied "happy anniversary", then kissed his cheek tenderly.

Walking out of the building, he realised he was heading for danger, but he knew he'd be back soon.


End file.
